You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i want to swaddle you in tequila
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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