I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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