So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
