no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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