listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
