The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
