A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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