Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
home. puking in laundry basket.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
