you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
