I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
