im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
