i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
