hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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