Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
