Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
