This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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