return my video game
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
