Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
