I think I died a long time ago.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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