What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
