I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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