Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
