guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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