I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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