I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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