I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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