I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
