He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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