Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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