I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
