i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
