Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
