I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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