at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize