is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
