she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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