Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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