pop tarts are not kleenex
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
