Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
