and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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