If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
