so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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