its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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