I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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