apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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