Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
