glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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