i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
