Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
