you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Randomize
