Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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