the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I would fuck him just for his dog
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
