It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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