i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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